So, yeah, I noticed. It’s been a while. I didn’t write, I didn’t call. It wasn’t you, it was me. It’s been so long, I had to request a new password because I had forgotten mine.
I started another post to tell you all about what I’ve been doing (and not doing) and it was very depressing and angry, because that’s how things have been the past five months. I was going to tell you why and then decided against it. I can say that I have stayed away because it just would have been a bunch of whiney posts about how miserable I am, and that gets old. I would have written things that I would come to regret later.
So here we are, five months later. Things are not completely better.
The biggest thing right now that has me stressed out the most is that there is a baby inside of me, which, honestly, is completely uncool. Back in November I tweeted/FB’ed about contemplating a fourth. The first thought I had when the pregnancy test came back positive was “Three is a VERY good number.” I still believe that, and in 20 weeks, there will be a fourth. This thought has brought me to tears on numerous occasions the past three months. Until recently (well, after the first trimester BS), I was able to forget for a little while that I was pregnant. It is now obvious that I am pregnant to anyone out there, not to mention the pokes and prods I feel from the inside. There is no forgetting now. Everything I do I wonder how I am going to do this with four. How am I going to do this with a baby? I am completely done with dealing with a baby. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m tired of the diapers, the neediness, the crying because you want something and I HAVE NO CLUE just what that is! I don’t want to potty train another one. I don’t want to convince another one “You REALLY need to nap!”. If this one needs a binky (3 for 3 so far), I don’t want to have to go through taking it away. Bottles, baby food, blankets, umbilical cords I DON’T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!
And do you know what else? This whole growing a baby inside of me, it’s not beautiful, it’s gross. There is a human inside of there. A real live person. Pregnant bellies, yeah, not attractive at all. I’ve been fortunate not to have a turkey timer belly button, and that is good, because that is really weird. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s gross. Sorry, but this whole pregnancy bit is weird and gross. I. Don’t. Like. Being. Pregnant. Don’t try to convince me it’s not with your “Miracle of life” BS. There is a human inside of me fucking up my hormones, bouncing on my bladder and making it difficult to breathe. Uncool.
I’m sorry for all of those who are pissed at my “ungrateful” attitude. I know there are women out there who spend thousands of dollars in order to hear the pitter patter of little feet and here I am, finding myself pregnant after breathing the same air as my husband and, quite frankly, there are very few things I want less right now. All I can do is offer you hope that you will one day become pregnant, but don’t hate me because I am and don’t want to be.
Don’t tell me how lucky I should feel that I conceive so easily and how women would kill for that. YOU CAN HAVE IT!
Don’t tell me babies are a blessing. I will not suddenly realize how wonderful this “gift” is after hearing that. In fact, it’s possible it will be the last thing you say and then I’ll have to raise my “blessings” through prison bars. You wouldn’t want that now would you?
DO NOT tell me that I don’t really feel this way BECAUSE I DO! I’m not proud of it, but do not try to tell me how I feel. I AM ANGRY!
Last but not least, don’t bring God into it. Just don’t.
So that’s the bad news. The good news? It’s a boy. There’s that at least.
I promise not to be angry next post. Which may mean I won’t be posting again until William Patrick is potty trained.
The Erin's Weblog 
Posted by Amanda McKee on April 23, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I will totally take him. =)
Posted by melanie on April 23, 2010 at 8:23 pm
You kind of sound like my Mum explaining what she was feeling like when she was pregnant with me. My Mum is awesome by the way and we are really close but she thought she was done with the babies too and hated being pregnant. Hopefully little William Patrick will be so enamoured with his older siblings from an early age that it will give you a bit of a break.
Posted by Grandma Deb on April 25, 2010 at 6:14 pm
Erin, I hope this post, and getting this out, is cathartic for you. And you are right about pregnancy, birth, and that baby business. It is grueling, and some do it much easier than others. But ask for help, and when you get it, be ever so grateful. Baby’s ARE a blessing, but that sometimes is with an asterisk. It is what it is. Maybe stop thinking about how bad it might be, and just focus on this day. Just this day. Your sacrifices ( and we mothers do sacrifice ourselves for our children, even though no one else may know what is going on inside us) are important. I hope it is for you like Melanie said about her case. I know a friend of mine who was the youngest child in a loveless, abusive marriage, and my friend really became a blessing to her. I am sure she had to work through some REALLY negative head stuff. But getting it out there is a start. One day at a time. Maybe you can choose one area that causes you the most stress and seek different ideas on how to do that. And don’t beat me, but maybe what you need to pray for is for God to change your heart. If you gotta do it anyway, I pray for you to find some sunshine each day. One day at a time! (Yeah, now you can throw the eggs at me! 🙂 And you are not the only woman who wondered how you were going to manage. Somehow. . . somehow. . .
Posted by Allison Zapata on February 11, 2011 at 9:39 am
THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this!!!! Seriously. It really helped me so much to know you were there and now you are here!!! You are awesome. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. I just told my husband that having a human inside of me creeps me out 🙂