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A story involving blood and mucus

This is a story involving blood, mucus and shoving things up bodily orifices that should not have things shoved up them.

Hey, where did everyone go?

In other words, it’s the story of Olivia’s birth. Actually, she had already been born at this point. So it’s a story about 20 minutes after Olivia’s birth. There is also a placenta involved, but only momentarily.

So, I had just given birth to Olivia, and my placenta (that’s the placenta reference we discussed earlier. The word placenta will not be mentioned anymore this post, you may look at the screen again.) successfully also delivered (there were problems with that the first two times…later though because it would involve mentioning that word that I promised we wouldn’t mention). I’m staring at this slimy thing now attached to my breast and cooing over her when the midwife, Lauren, grabs my attention.

“We have a small problem.”

While she is telling me this, I notice that in her gloved hand is not only blood, mucus and other bodily fluids, there are four small white pills.

“That’s odd.”

I think to myself.

“Why would she put those in her hand when I have to take them? Now there’s blood, mucus and other bodily fluids all over them. That’s kind of gross. Actually, that’s really gross!”

While I’m thinking this, she continues to tell me the problem.

Lauren-“You’re bleeding, a lot. In order to stop the bleeding, I have to give you these pills…up your butt.”

Me-“Oh I can take those orally. I know they are covered in blood, mucus and other bodily fluids, but it is MY blood, mucus and bodily fluids. I don’t mind. Hey, no really, I can swallow those easy.”

Well, you can imagine, she didn’t take me up on my offer. Those suckers “Entered” where things should only “Exit”, the bleeding stopped and I didn’t die.

I also now only take medicine that doesn’t resemble small white circular pills, because seeing them brings back bad memories.

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Is this thing on?

So, yeah, I noticed. It’s been a while. I didn’t write, I didn’t call. It wasn’t you, it was me. It’s been so long, I had to request a new password because I had forgotten mine.

I started another post to tell you all about what I’ve been doing (and not doing) and it was very depressing and angry, because that’s how things have been the past five months. I was going to tell you why and then decided against it. I can say that I have stayed away because it just would have been a bunch of whiney posts about how miserable I am, and that gets old. I would have written things that I would come to regret later.

So here we are, five months later. Things are not completely better.

The biggest thing right now that has me stressed out the most is that there is a baby inside of me, which, honestly, is completely uncool. Back in November I tweeted/FB’ed about contemplating a fourth. The first thought I had when the pregnancy test came back positive was “Three is a VERY good number.” I still believe that, and in 20 weeks, there will be a fourth. This thought has brought me to tears on numerous occasions the past three months. Until recently (well, after the first trimester BS), I was able to forget for a little while that I was pregnant. It is now obvious that I am pregnant to anyone out there, not to mention the pokes and prods I feel from the inside. There is no forgetting now. Everything I do I wonder how I am going to do this with four. How am I going to do this with a baby? I am completely done with dealing with a baby. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m tired of the diapers, the neediness, the crying because you want something and I HAVE NO CLUE just what that is! I don’t want to potty train another one. I don’t want to convince another one “You REALLY need to nap!”. If this one needs a binky (3 for 3 so far), I don’t want to have to go through taking it away. Bottles, baby food, blankets, umbilical cords I DON’T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!

And do you know what else? This whole growing a baby inside of me, it’s not beautiful, it’s gross. There is a human inside of there. A real live person. Pregnant bellies, yeah, not attractive at all. I’ve been fortunate not to have a turkey timer belly button, and that is good, because that is really weird. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s gross. Sorry, but this whole pregnancy bit is weird and gross. I. Don’t. Like. Being. Pregnant. Don’t try to convince me it’s not with your “Miracle of life” BS. There is a human inside of me fucking up my hormones, bouncing on my bladder and making it difficult to breathe. Uncool.

I’m sorry for all of those who are pissed at my “ungrateful” attitude. I know there are women out there who spend thousands of dollars in order to hear the pitter patter of little feet and here I am, finding myself pregnant after breathing the same air as my husband and, quite frankly, there are very few things I want less right now. All I can do is offer you hope that you will one day become pregnant, but don’t hate me because I am and don’t want to be.

Don’t tell me how lucky I should feel that I conceive so easily and how women would kill for that. YOU CAN HAVE IT!

Don’t tell me babies are a blessing. I will not suddenly realize how wonderful this “gift” is after hearing that. In fact, it’s possible it will be the last thing you say and then I’ll have to raise my “blessings” through prison bars. You wouldn’t want that now would you?

DO NOT tell me that I don’t really feel this way BECAUSE I DO! I’m not proud of it, but do not try to tell me how I feel. I AM ANGRY!

Last but not least, don’t bring God into it. Just don’t.

So that’s the bad news. The good news? It’s a boy. There’s that at least.

I promise not to be angry next post. Which may mean I won’t be posting again until William Patrick is potty trained.

not me #2!

started by mckmama, “not me monday” spread like wildfire. blogger’s from around the world confess the things they DID NOT do the previous week, and then link it back to mckmama’s blog for the world to gaze upon, gasp and then judge. here is my contribution. i hope you will contribute as well.

this week:

  1. i DID NOT ask angelo to purchase more disposable diapers. we only use cloth diapers here. and had i asked him to purchase more disposables (which I DIDN’T) i WOULD NOT have requested the large box of them.
  2. i DID NOT put a cloth diaper cover over a disposable diaper in order to get this shot.
  3. i DID NOT just lose all the pictures on my laptop!
  4. i DID NOT spend all day at my mom’s house playing “diner dash”.
  5. i DID NOT forget to meet the bus to retrieve the neighbor boy because i was (NOT) playing “diner dash”.
  6. i DID  NOT delegate pick-up-the-kids duty to angelo because i was (NOT) playing “diner dash”.
  7. i DID NOT wake up, go to church, come home, go to sleep, wake up, see “spring awakening” and then have dinner with my mom, come home, go to sleep. in the few hours i was home, i was productive and helpful…
  8. i DID NOT temporarily forget where i was and to whom i was talking to when i said the term “butt rape” in front of my religious education class full of high school freshmen (that would be 14 year olds y’all).
  9. i DID NOT fail to have my meds refilled and skip two days of it only to have a complete meltdown thinking everyone had abandoned me.
  10. i DID NOT fail to fold laundry (again).
  11. i DO NOT currently have six-ish (seven-ish? eight-ish? more-ish?) loads of laundry that need to be folded.
  12. i DID NOT in a fit of rage use “f***in!” several times at the top of my voice.
  13. i DID NOT then hear five year old moira use the same word (in context) moments later.

so, yeah.

*this is over the course of several weeks.

 

“red”

red legos

red red red

i like the color red

there is red everywhere

red red red

there is red on ladybugs

red red red

by: moira, age 5

not me!

welcome to “not me monday” a blog carnival started by mckmama and continued on by hundreds of blog readers all over the www. check out what i DIDN’T DO this week then run on over to mckmama’s blog to see what hundreds of others also didn’t do!

this week,

  1. i DID NOT pull olivia’s chair to the desk so she could play beside me while i played games on facebook.
  2. i DID NOT let her play with the scotch tape while she was up there.
  3. i DID NOT lay in bed listening to olivia say “mamamamamama” over the monitor while wondering how long it would be before angelo came home.
  4. i DID NOT quit picking up to see if anyone else would pick up the slack.
  5. i DID NOT play a one minute game for 30+ minutes.
  6. i DID NOT wait until the last minute to cut out hundreds of little shapes for aidan’s class project.
  7. i DID NOT stay up until all hours of the night cutting out said shapes.
  8. i DID NOT wake up the next morning and cut out even more shapes.
  9. i DID NOT leave clothes in the washer for two days.
  10. i DID NOT wash and dry a bunch of clothes promising to fold and put them all away the next day and then i definitely DID NOT not actually get around to folding and putting them away. i DO NOT have six loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away.
  11. i AM NOT finishing up this post when i am supposed to be leaving to take the kids to school. i AM NOT still in my robe.
  12. edited to add: i DID NOT drop the kids off at school late.

project “WAKE UP ERIN!”

so, i’ve NEVER been a morning person. even with a good amount of sleep, waking up in the mornings is tough. seriously, why would i want to leave the comfort of my bed? yeah, i can’t think of a reason either. don’t get started about the beauties of life, and the kids and their smiling faces…because, invariably, they are smiling because they are doing something they shouldn’t be. and the beauty of life…guys, i live in central texas, we’ve just completed our 52nd consecutive day of 100+ degree temperatures. it’s hot. even aidan doesn’t want to be outside.

so anyway, because rousing myself from the comfort of my cozy bed is so difficult, i generally don’t do it until olivia starts protesting her cribbed captivity. usually, the bigs are also awake at this point and i have to start my day immediately, instead of easing into it. you know, cuppa joe, some quiet time on the internets, a shower…whatever. i have an alarm, but, bad habit turns it off, i turn over and start dreamin’ away again. something has to be done, and the promise of the aforementioned pleasantries just don’t seem to be doing it.

so, i need a volunteer. someone who will be up at 5:45a.m. CST every morning for at leastthe next 21 days. it is supposed to take 21 days to form a habit, so the goal is to go 21 consecutive days of waking up early and then it is supposed to be…well…habit. this wonderful volunteer is to check my twitter (@oneandonly_erin) to see if i have tweeted that i am up. that tweet should happen shortly after 5:30a.m. CST. if i have not, well, a phone call is required. i have very obvious you-disturbed-my-slumber voice and if my slumber has indeed been interrupted by this phone call, well, i’m going to need to be coached out of bed (think football coach) and reprimanded before the twitterverse. oh, andwe start back from day one. hey, maybe someone can offer an awesome prize (3-4 round trip tickets to charleston, south carolina would be nice) if i make it in one shot.

so, to sum it up:

  • i hate rising from my bed.
  • i need someone to be my “coach”
  • this someone will need to be awake enough to check my twitter by 5:45a.m. CST to see if i have risen for the next 21 days by that time (this includes weekends y’all)

anyone up for the challenge?

friends for life

my favorite photo from our photo shoot with abigail and jerry’s kids on sunday. for 11 days every year, we have five consecutive years represented. this year we have ages 3-7.

from youngest to oldest: meghan, tony, moira, aidan and katie.

friends for life

after lilly’s 2nd birthday in december, we’ll have the same type of photo with the babies.