Archive for the ‘life’s funny moments’ Category

A story involving blood and mucus

This is a story involving blood, mucus and shoving things up bodily orifices that should not have things shoved up them.

Hey, where did everyone go?

In other words, it’s the story of Olivia’s birth. Actually, she had already been born at this point. So it’s a story about 20 minutes after Olivia’s birth. There is also a placenta involved, but only momentarily.

So, I had just given birth to Olivia, and my placenta (that’s the placenta reference we discussed earlier. The word placenta will not be mentioned anymore this post, you may look at the screen again.) successfully also delivered (there were problems with that the first two times…later though because it would involve mentioning that word that I promised we wouldn’t mention). I’m staring at this slimy thing now attached to my breast and cooing over her when the midwife, Lauren, grabs my attention.

“We have a small problem.”

While she is telling me this, I notice that in her gloved hand is not only blood, mucus and other bodily fluids, there are four small white pills.

“That’s odd.”

I think to myself.

“Why would she put those in her hand when I have to take them? Now there’s blood, mucus and other bodily fluids all over them. That’s kind of gross. Actually, that’s really gross!”

While I’m thinking this, she continues to tell me the problem.

Lauren-“You’re bleeding, a lot. In order to stop the bleeding, I have to give you these pills…up your butt.”

Me-“Oh I can take those orally. I know they are covered in blood, mucus and other bodily fluids, but it is MY blood, mucus and bodily fluids. I don’t mind. Hey, no really, I can swallow those easy.”

Well, you can imagine, she didn’t take me up on my offer. Those suckers “Entered” where things should only “Exit”, the bleeding stopped and I didn’t die.

I also now only take medicine that doesn’t resemble small white circular pills, because seeing them brings back bad memories.

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a “skanky bitch” stole my phone

so, halloween was not all that nice to me. i burned the crap out of my neck with the curling iron, the dog ate half of the cupcakes for the kids’ school fall fest and my phone was stolen.

well to be fair, i left it at h.e.b and someone found it, but failed to turn it in to customer service. yeah, they totally stole it.

i kept calling it from angelo’s phone hoping that it was still sitting somewhere in h.e.b and someone would hear it, answer it, we’d chat, we’d meet up so they could return it to me, we’d become BFF’s, have each other’s names tattooed on our ankles, change our children’s names to be the same as our new BFF and then we’d ride off into the sunset. but alas, the closest i came to that beautiful scenario was a “skanky bitch” finding my phone and using it as her own.

changing any of my kids’ names to “skanky bitch” was out of the question.

i had other’s calling my phone as well. texts were sent to “me” but “I” never answered the phone or returned any texts (because that’s how “skanky bitches” roll). amanda even sent an “emergency text” (it’s in quotes because it wasn’t a real emergency but a genius plan to have “skanky bitch” make some contact with someone) relaying how ethan was not breathing and was being rushed to the e/r. “skanky bitch” doesn’t have a heart.

later on the next day (after many more failed attempts at contact) we checked the records to see what kind of activity my phone was being used for. “skanky bitch” made numerous texts to two different numbers and received numerous texts from those same two numbers. she checked the internet a couple of times and sent multimedia texts (pictures. i fear what of.). angelo called one of the numbers and questioned the guy but he said he had no clue. i called the other number and was able to get that guy to contact the “skanky bitch” (he was the one that called her that btw) to find out what she was doing with my phone and if she could please call me. apparently it was her phone and she wasn’t calling anyone.

i really feel bad now knowing that the phone i bought back february and the service we bought almost two years ago were actually hers and i was using it selfishly all this time. how devastated she must have been for almost two years to have a phone number but no phone to use it with. when she finally happened upon it randomly in an h.e.b in a town not her own, the joy she must have felt! how rude of me to constantly call and text the phone after i inadvertently returned it to its owner. even more rude of me to involve others in my attempt to retrieve the phone i mistakenly believed to be mine.

how even more rude we were when we disconnected the number.

 

cowwhat?

moira just came up to me wearing a cowboy hat and said “i’m a cowgirl”.

she then pushed it all the way down halfway covering her eyes and said “now I’m a cowboy”

cocked to the side? cowfunky

being held up high over her head? cowflying

over her face? cowmask

hanging off her head? cowhangingoffmyhead

hanging in front of her? cownecklace

cowfunky was my favorite.

we were meant for each other

don’t worry, this isn’t some sappy post about how great my husband is and how we stare dreamily into each other’s eyes anytime we are in the same room. i’m not going to make you throw up in your mouth a little by discussing how he completes me and how he had me at hello.

honestly, this being the week before my menstrual cycle (sorry dad, i know, TMI) i could be throwing something at him at any moment and screaming about the indignities of having to wear a shirt out in public (you are so jealous that he is the lucky man that gets to spend the rest of his life with me aren’t ya’?).

no, this is about amanda, and how even thousands of miles away, we are pretty in sync with each other.

yesterday while olivia was sawing logs, i was cruising the internet. like thousands, i was waiting for the post announcing mckmama’s changes. i had been there before a couple of times before, but started visiting regularly when her son stellan was hospitalized this last time. i stalk her on twitter and have learned a lot from her photography tutorials. she and her family are truly an inspiration.

anyway. i was reading some posts i hadn’t read before. one of them involved how she potty trains her MSC (many small children). now, i have two older children who have been succesfully potty trained, but i’m always up for new ideas.  she makes use of the completely-adorable-but-i-could-never-rationalize-purchasing-them baby legs. well, now i needed them. i mean, they ARE for educational purposes AND moira can also wear them as fashion accessories. they now have a purpose in my life. how could i go on without them?

well, right at this moment, amanda calls.

a: hey! whatcha doin?

me: notta lotta. cruisin the net.

a: yeah me too. i’m looking for baby legs.

me: hey yeah, i’m going to get some too for potty training. mckmama menti……

a: OMG! THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I AM PURCHASING THEM! I WAS JUST ON HER SITE AND READ THAT POST!

me: OMG! I JUST READ THAT POST TOO!

so now you’re thinking “well, it was a new post, i’m sure thousands of people were JUST reading it too.” and this my friend, is where you would be wrong. that post was four days old. there were four posts made after that. that means that my dear amanda and i had both not read mckmama in at least four days and right at that VERY MOMENT in time we were doing the exact same thing!

isn’t the internet amazing! i mean, if it wasn’t for the www, we would have been cleaning, or folding laundry, or interacting with people face to face. but, because of the magic of technology, it enabled my favorite sister and i to be doing the EXACT same thing at the EXACT same time!

obviously, we were meant for each other!

i confess…that my family is keeping secrets from me

from a note i found in the truck today:

“angelo, i need new pot!”

from the aidan (age 5) tonight:

“i’m pulling weed!”

apparently my family has been running a lucrative pot growing business behind my back. there’s a few things i’d like to know.

a)why wasn’t i informed of this?

2)where is the money from it?

c)why wasn’t i given any samples? i mean, shouldn’t we know the quality of the ganga we are selling before we sell it to the unsuspecting public? i’m just trying to help out here! WHY IS NOBODY INCLUDING ME?!

 

*we do not grow weed. we do not roll weed. we do not smoke weed. we do not sample weed. we do not package weed. we do not sell weed. we could not point out a pot plant to you if our lives depended on it.