roaches will be the death of me

the first memory i have of a roach was when we were living in an apartment in austin. my mom had called my dad to come home from work and kill the roach that was in the  bathroom sink.

it all went downhill from there.

fortunately, in the various places i’ve lived after moving out of my parents home, i’ve only had one roach in my abode. it was actually recently. the tall one was not so nicely woken up one evening and ordered to go and destroy the beast that had invaded our home. he smashed it a couple of times with the nearest deadly weapon…an empty milk container…and the face eater fell into the magazine basket. he thought the job done, and headed back to bed. “nuh-uh!” i gasped, “i have no proof that IT is actually dead”. the magazine basket was removed to the front porch, i swallowed a couple of klonopins and we continued on with our lives.

further proof that i am terrified of the fiends? when angelo spent two months in that other city, the kids and i were visiting him (that sentence is grammatically incorrect, but after 9 p.m. my grammar goes to shit). he was working and i was at his temporary home with the kiddos. i walked into the kitchen to find the largest red wasp i had ever seen in my entire life. not only could this thing eat my face with one bite, it could take out my entire head, neck and one shoulder as well. so uncool.

i called the tall one and informed him that if he didn’t make haste back there with an m-16 to take this thing out, i was calling the police to come and take care of it. he informed me that he was not coming home and that if i called the police to rid the house of a wasp, he would live in that other city forever while i still lived in herein. obviously, he is not very sympathetic to my plight.

so, i took matters into my own two and a half hands. i grabbed a cup, covered the beastie, listened to it buzz obscenities at me from beneath it’s trapping, slid a piece of cardboard under the cup (this was the scariest part as i am convinced that bugs have supernatural powers that allow them to materialize from the trap to the outside world with just a sliver of crack [i will totally make that make sense in the morning]), somehow, i was able to open the door to the mudroom, and the door to the outside, AND the screen door to release the upper body eating creature.

had that been a roach, instead of a wasp? the kids and i would have been outside in the cold hitching a ride to where ever angelo was at. i.don’t.do.roaches.

it’s a good thing i don’t know any national secrets, because the only thing someone would have to do to get them from me, is put me within seeing distance of the varmint, and i would tell them everything from grandma’s secret apple pie recipe to the secret code to get into canada (i have just killed my chances at getting any sort of security clearance).

guys, i have nightmares about these things. i skip the pages that discuss roaches in the kids’ “all about bugs” books. i know that it is completely irrational. i KNOW that roaches don’t bite. i KNOW that had the wasp had a chance, he would have been rubbing his butt all over me, but a roach would just try to fly away…but, it doesn’t make a difference.

there is a better chance that i will wake up at 5:30 every morning for the rest of my life, than ever willingly go near a roach. THAT is how much they terrify me.

edited to add: i didn’t grow up in a roach infested hovel.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by SmokeTX on August 13, 2009 at 6:09 am

    We have rarely had roaches in our house either, you make it sound like you lived in roach invested hovels before moving out.

  2. I still hate them but I have gotten better over time. Just remember to yell when you are squishing them :-0

  3. Posted by Family of Blessings on August 23, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Should I mention how many diseases that they carry?

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