can you bring the light over here please?

at some point in fifth grade, something changed. i don’t really remember when in fifth grade or exactly what happened, but i was now different. i remember becoming really angry. there was a girl in my fifth grade class (laura h.) and for some reason, we just didn’t get along. she was wittier and cooler about it whereas i was loud and just…ANGRY. i also remember in girl scouts (i don’t actually remember if this was in the fifth grade too, but it was around that time) we had to create a picture about what we thought life was…my picture represented life as hell. obviously something was VERY wrong.

the itty bitty school i attended stopped after sixth grade. after that, we had to continue our education in another nearby district. most of the students went to the west which was closer but a sub-par school, and a few went to the north…a school much smaller, further away but with better scores. i and my former best friend (we were still friends at this point, just not best friends) went to the school in the north. while still a small school (the average number of graduates in a class was 45ish), it was bigger than what we had attended. she flourished, i floundered. i think outcast is the correct word. i wasn’t witty, i wasn’t clever, i wasn’t pretty, i didn’t wear the latest fashions, i was absolutely clueless when it came to my hair and eventually make-up, i agitated easily and was an easy target…and i was always very down. i was miserable without help from the outside world, throw in a bevy of your average pre-teens/teens, and i was pretty much hopeless.

things pretty much went this way throughout high school. my junior year i transferred to that other school, and my senior year we moved to nebraska where i graduated with a class of 450. class of ’99 yo.

in feburary of my senior year i started on anti-depressants. over the next ten years, i would be on and off of these.

i attended the univ. of nebraska at omaha (uno) for two weeks, dropped out and moved in with the idiot. the idiot took advantage of my weakness. but that’s what an abuser does, they lure you in with things you want to hear, they make you feel special, and safe, and comfortable. they make sure they have you firmly in thier grasp, then they attack. they disable you so you are unable to leave. when they notice you are about to escape their grasp, they start saying the sweet nothings again. and that’s exactly what they are…sweet NOTHINGS. they say all the right things, and you never leave. so they start again. the idiot never hit me, but the things he said created such deep wounds, that to this day i KNOW it is impossible that anyone can ever want me or can actually love me despite my failings. the angelo tries to convince me otherwise every day, but i KNOW that he is just saying these things. other things the idiot said and did also still affect my life. the angelo and i will have been together for eight years this summer.

so now we have severe depression, a non-existent self-esteem and permanent baggage. in 2005/2006 we decided to throw ADD on top of that…just for kicks. most of the time i feel i have it under control…for the most part. this is not one of those times.

for the past couple of months, the sense of keeping-it-together-ness i had carefully taped together, is not as carefully coming undone. clean and dirty clothes mingle on the floor, my hair is taking applications for new residency because it is tired of neglect, the bigs are watching 3-4 movies everyday and the olivia is starting to prefer her daddy because, quite frankly, mommy doesn’t do anything with her. everything that needs to be done NEEDS TO BE DONE FIRST! i try to do them all, but become overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing. now, i don’t even try.

yesterday i went to the doctor. she put me on an anti-depressant, and i see her again in a month. i just need to hang on, but my fingers are starting to hurt.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. I’m so sorry you feel this way Erin. I know that with the state you are in right now there isn’t anything I can say to make you feel better – and I know this because I’ve been there. But I will say two things: 1) Medication always needs to be accompanied by therapy. No matter how busy you are and how much you think you need to get done (and if you came to my place you would also see a house in desperate need of a housekeeper) you need to take care of yourself as well so get a therapist if you can. 2) When I ended up in the psych ward at our local hospital I couldn’t believe we weren’t doing arts & crafts & puzzles all day long! I totally felt ripped off but maybe you get the shaft if you are just a day patient and I should have had a complete mental breakdown instead of just a partial one. Oh well, next time.

  2. Posted by Deb A. on April 13, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Erin, hang on by those fingernails. Dig in! One day at a time. One job to get done that improves you life. I don’t know your personal faith, but I have gotten through nauseating anxiey by just repeating.”Jesus, I trust in you!” And try to trust. Take the meds, pray, love your children and try to do the jobs that need ‘you’, and just work on NOW, not tomorrow, not yesterday. Just this hour–and I think that the woman who posted above is right, try to find someone to counsel you. Find someone who can help you with the faith issues, too,–but give yourself this hour and this day. Keep reaching out to your friends. And try to stop the bad man in you head that is trying to take you down. You are not the lost teenager anymore. Hang on!

  3. CALL ME ANYTIME you need to talk I am serious. I had no idea you were going through this! I’m here!!

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